Most Broadway performers have had years of ballet lessons, vocal lessons, and acting lessons. Majority of them discover this calling at a very age- and so they train hard with the support of their family, and they end up making it. Unfortunately, this calling was only recent for me. I answered this calling at the age of 15, my first time performing as a background character in a school play sent absolute euphoria through me that I spent the next couple of years performing in more plays, enjoying the way performing goes, and the thrill and fear and excitement that comes along with it.
However, these were school plays. They weren’t expecting a super experienced performer, just a newbie. So I was- but I guess my 2 year IGCSE course in Drama helped in developing me as an actor. Vocal wise however, I was sub-par level, barely any good if I’m honest. Though teacher’s saw my potential, I didn’t really give it much of a thought. Now, I’m honestly regretting it. I should’ve pursued those vocal lessons, but I was stupid.
Upon moving to Sydney, I was still a naive town boy fresh from the small town of Dukhan in Qatar. I easily grasped things, I let my optimism get through my head. So, on my second week here, I auditioned for an amateur play- only to be turned down. I came to that room confident, with my loose jacket, loose pants, and absolutely ugly shoes. Long story short, I was dressed terribly, and I was highly unprepared. They asked me if I’ve ever had vocal lessons, and I knew right then I wasn’t getting any part. After this little problem, I went straight to the toilet and broke down- regretting my optimism and belief that I could ever be a performer.
So after 20 minutes of uncontrollable sobbing, I wiped the tears off. A new goal was born, to learn. To make myself better. To work on me. Thus, this is where this newfound need to sign up for a ballet class came. I’m highly determined to improve my dancing (and vocals but that’s another story), but in this day and time, being a guy in a ballet class is something that would…well, probably be a little unsettling. Guys are all about sports! Not dancing…much less ballet. Call me a stereotype but I’m simply saying it as it is- at least that’s how I saw things growing up.
For the past couple of days, I’ve been having constant a change of mind, one day I would tell myself, “Let’s do this! You can’t get anywhere by chickening out!”, on the other hand, I feel like I’m about to throw up with just the thought of how much fear I’m feeling. However, today marked the beginning of this dance journey, I’ve officially signed up for the Adult Class, and there’s no going back. Literally, I’ve paid it off and you can only back out 2 or 3 hours before the class, so there’s no coming back from that. My mind is still going mad, my emotions unsure as to how this will turn out. I’m a wildly out of shape young man, on the cusp of being in between overweight and obese. Not to mention I’m barely 5 feet. Fear is what’s taking over my mind right now. But the thought that I’m now one step closer to achieving my ultimate goal, that somehow brings comfort to my otherwise exasperated mind.
A new experience. As I am writing this, I am not on my way to the class. My heart continues to pound as fast as the train that carries me to what may be the start of my dance endeavour, or the end of it. Only time can tell how this might go, but I’m trying to keep my head high, and I do hope my gut instinct were right to tell me to pursue this.
My gut instinct was wrong, not because it went terribly, but because I cancelled it. That was a great way to waste money. What an idiot.
It seems that this plan went kaput, because of my anxiety which led to flat out quitting. First it was worrying about the fact that I didn’t have the correct attire, next it was shoes, and from then on it was that I should just quit while I’m ahead. It’s been several weeks since I wrote the above content, and ashamed to say I didn’t go through it. I want to end this post on a positive note, but I have nothing else to say. I failed. I’m a failure.